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I’m done.
I gave up. I don’t want to get hurt anymore.

I don’t know when I started to not trust everybody in the world anymore.

Okay fine, that is the fucking worst bullshit that I can ever spit. I do trust people, especially people that are unreliable whatsoever. And that, is the very problem.

People here are selfish. Well you might think, who am I to talk, human beings are selfish in the nature: parents love their sons more than the daughters; friends saves the best things for themselves; lovers cheats when they think they deserve more than what they have. Yea, and being selfish as I am, I granted myself a right, to judge people who treat me in the very same manner.

That, more than half of the friends I have here are not even worth classified as mere acquaintance. Since all the bullshits they feed me would, and will, eventually turn out to be something real surprising, not.

That, a person I met here, and the extraordinary time we spent together will be a part of my memory until the day I vanish from this sad world, can be considered as a selfish token of us. That we, keeping the idea of “having fun in the mean time” in mind, both wanted to move on with our desperate little lives while adding a little pinch of sweetness and companionship into the formula. We, are both very selfish.

That guy is the type of person, who i consider to be a convenience oriented one, that would rarely invest and try in terms of relationship. The type of people who ‘d prefer to have a nice lover caring for him with no sweat. Hm, maybe that’s the exact problem, that i am not good enough for people to invest in. Fair enough and sad more than enough.

But that I cannot blame him, for being professional in dealing with all the cliche of relationships, or if i might say, one night stands. I and my selfishness are the ones that needs to be straighten up, to understand the meaning of being rational. He has been great and I’ll be grateful for that. I really will.

But, for the very mean time, let me hate him for a little while, for being such a pain, for making me like him, for insinuating my hopes up, and for knocking down everything right at the minute.

People like him, are the worst. You can’t love him, you can’t hate him and you can’t even get away from his side. He gives you the wrong impression that he likes you the most, that he cares about you the most. Well, actually he does mean that, but those feelings are just valid from the moment you starts fucking until 5 mins after he comes. And THAT, being able to accept that fact, is professionalism. Darlin, i just want to be like you so badly.

Yesterday, he said, you loose your trust in a person if something real bad happens, and even though you try every possible thing to fix it, you won’t see that person with the same eyes as you did before. Well darling, you were spot on, as that was exactly what I felt about the ‘incident’ before that involves with the word Japanese and nobody.

And again, that’s it. Things are gonna end in, i don’t know, 4 weeks. Who am I to talk? Hey myself, be very strong because nobody cares about you. They care about themselves first. If you want to keep your heart from being broken, do not have hope, do not like people more than they do to you, do not feel happy when they are happy, do not get sad when they are upset. Just don’t.

Well sure I learnt a lot since I’ve been here. Way more than that this little fragile heart can handle. I started experiencing the saying everybody’s on his own in a very hard way.

 

 

It felt like a million years since the last time that i cried properly. Its like a thunderstorm coming, unstoppable. It’s painful to the point that my chest is going to explode, i can’t stop myself from sobbing and falling. I bet all the stresses, pain and memories just waited for that moment, when i heard the song, to burst.

How long has it been?

Yeah, i did shed tears in between, momentous, with shaky voice and facial expressions that never lie.

I did shed tears, when i left the country, coming to a cold, fierce land that would surely tear my vulnerable heart apart.

I did shed tears, when i broke up with my ex, the one who loved me the most, and hurt me still, the most.

I did shed tears, when I found out i got myself into a relationship that will not come to an end. Still, i pity myself.

But that’s it.

“When I close my eyes, I remember that kiss, so I’d rather keep them wide open
And if I miss that train do you really think that even here, I’d be closer to you
So here I am leaving soon and standing at gate 22
Cause whatever you may think I forgot, you know I’m still thinking about it
Sometimes I wish I could stay…
But no matter where I go, no matter how long, you know I’ll keep hanging on.
Sweet memories
I’m leaving but my mind will surely stay, at gate 22″

The story is getting predictable. You fall for a guy, then one of you go away, for once or for good. The other walk you to the airport, gives you a kiss and tell you he would wait, and you pretend to believe in his words, feel the throb in your chest like someone is squeezing the hell out of you heart.

This song is painfully beautiful.

It hurts every time, when you leave the person at the place, you know that you will not go back, and he will not going to chase after you.

Yeah, i feel much better now.

I had needed this cry for so long.

Update chút.

Tình hình là mình sắp move out qua khu khác sống. Đang ráng làm cho xong bái tốt nghiệp để được đi du hí và về nhà, kết thúc 1 năm hành xác.

😦 Nói vậy chứ 4 tháng nha, còn lâu nha…. 😦

Tưởng hết nước mắt rồi… Mình thật khó tin.

Nè, giờ đổ hết cho duyên số nha. Nghĩa là mình và người đó không có duyên, cũng không có phận. Vô duyên vô phận thì đường ai nấy đi đúng rồi, yêu nhau mấy cũng thế thôi. Huống hồ người ta có còn tình cảm với mình nữa đâu. Không đáng mà.

Cái gì xảy ra cũng có lý do của nó, Nếu chia tay mà người ta tốt hơn, thì mình cũng cấp nhận vậy.

Thôi vui lên nhé. ^^

Uh, buon chu sao lai ko.

Nhieu khi minh chan minh that. Co nhung chuyen khong dang buon. Co nhung nguoi khong dang de minh nho. Co nhung viec khong dang de tam…

The ma van buon.

U, truoc gio, song phu thuoc vao nguoi khac qua. Gap nhung chuyen buon thi toan phai kiem ai do de dua vao. Minh yeu duoi qua.

A confident person is a sexy person. Minh gia vo hieu cau nay lau lam roi. Nhung chua bao gio thuc su lam theo ca.

Minh se co gang nhe. Sau nay song chang can ai nua nhe. Moi thu chi la hu vo, chang ai ngoai gia dinh thuc suc quan tam den minh dau. Bullshit het ca.

Song tot nhe. Sau nay co gap lai, toi se khac day. Toi se khong bi xem thuong nua dau. : )

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Sometimes i feel lonely, like, i could die.

I guess i need to be more independent, on every aspect.

Because every kid needs to grow up.

It’s where you go from a stranger to knowing someone…

And every kiss after that is just a shadow of that first kiss.