It’s sunny today.

Due to the fact that i can no longer ignore the mountain of overdue books, unclaimed parcel slips, and the empty bank account, i thought.. yeah, maybe it’s time for a walk.

Did i say that it’s sunny today? and warm?

I’ve never, truly appreciated the warmth of spring, probably because my heart is currently in the misery winter mode. I can’t say that i can feel spring now. But it is miraculous. Out of nowhere, flowers appears in every corner.

Seeing people, walking around with their children and/or pet, i could not stop myself from being extremely jealous.

And, for the first time of more than three months, i felt tired.

It was overwhelming to the point that my hands started to shake unconsciously and i could  barely stand. I realized the obvious, i’ve run out of battery for so long and i didnt even care to give it a recharge.

I have no idea how badly I’ve been treating myself over the break-up: a banana for dinner, a kiwi for lunch, one meal over two days, three days, alcohol every night. yeah.. i sighed to myself, it was that bad.

It is fucking stupid, i know, no one in the right mind would do that. But hey,  i had nothing in my mind as well, besides the face of him, the memories and the broken heart, which i still can not run away even now.

Sitting on the bench in the park and watched kids play with their doggies, i felt bad.

It was a guilty feeling towards the precious body of mine, which, would not be over 43kg by now, with nothing in between the bones and skin.

It was a guilty feeling towards my mom, dad and sister, when i recalled which my dad told me when i left, “remember, you protect yourself for us all”.

It was a guilty feeling towards myself, to be such miserable over a spilled glass of water. For a moment, just a tiny moment, i realized, he will never come back, no matter how bad i treat myself.

Could no longer restrain myself my self from tears, which i suck at lately, i started to walk towards the village.

And I saw myself, reflecting from the pond: pitiful and silly.

“He would not pity you, move your ass and move on for god’s sake.” – my brain said.

From the bottom of my heart, i wish i can.