I’m done.
I gave up. I don’t want to get hurt anymore.
I don’t know when I started to not trust everybody in the world anymore.
Okay fine, that is the fucking worst bullshit that I can ever spit. I do trust people, especially people that are unreliable whatsoever. And that, is the very problem.
People here are selfish. Well you might think, who am I to talk, human beings are selfish in the nature: parents love their sons more than the daughters; friends saves the best things for themselves; lovers cheats when they think they deserve more than what they have. Yea, and being selfish as I am, I granted myself a right, to judge people who treat me in the very same manner.
That, more than half of the friends I have here are not even worth classified as mere acquaintance. Since all the bullshits they feed me would, and will, eventually turn out to be something real surprising, not.
That, a person I met here, and the extraordinary time we spent together will be a part of my memory until the day I vanish from this sad world, can be considered as a selfish token of us. That we, keeping the idea of “having fun in the mean time” in mind, both wanted to move on with our desperate little lives while adding a little pinch of sweetness and companionship into the formula. We, are both very selfish.
That guy is the type of person, who i consider to be a convenience oriented one, that would rarely invest and try in terms of relationship. The type of people who ‘d prefer to have a nice lover caring for him with no sweat. Hm, maybe that’s the exact problem, that i am not good enough for people to invest in. Fair enough and sad more than enough.
But that I cannot blame him, for being professional in dealing with all the cliche of relationships, or if i might say, one night stands. I and my selfishness are the ones that needs to be straighten up, to understand the meaning of being rational. He has been great and I’ll be grateful for that. I really will.
But, for the very mean time, let me hate him for a little while, for being such a pain, for making me like him, for insinuating my hopes up, and for knocking down everything right at the minute.
People like him, are the worst. You can’t love him, you can’t hate him and you can’t even get away from his side. He gives you the wrong impression that he likes you the most, that he cares about you the most. Well, actually he does mean that, but those feelings are just valid from the moment you starts fucking until 5 mins after he comes. And THAT, being able to accept that fact, is professionalism. Darlin, i just want to be like you so badly.
Yesterday, he said, you loose your trust in a person if something real bad happens, and even though you try every possible thing to fix it, you won’t see that person with the same eyes as you did before. Well darling, you were spot on, as that was exactly what I felt about the ‘incident’ before that involves with the word Japanese and nobody.
And again, that’s it. Things are gonna end in, i don’t know, 4 weeks. Who am I to talk? Hey myself, be very strong because nobody cares about you. They care about themselves first. If you want to keep your heart from being broken, do not have hope, do not like people more than they do to you, do not feel happy when they are happy, do not get sad when they are upset. Just don’t.
Well sure I learnt a lot since I’ve been here. Way more than that this little fragile heart can handle. I started experiencing the saying everybody’s on his own in a very hard way.
Private Hiding Place 